Suffering, Submission, & Sovereignty

Lessons I have learned in the past few years:

1.  To live is to experience suffering at some point.

2.  Suffering shatters innocence and raises questions that demand answers.

3.  It is only through suffering that I have truly seen my Savior and my God in full complexity.

4.  Submission to Sovereignty is unequivocally the most important concept I have ever learned.

5.  Submission to Sovereignty is unequivocally the most difficult practice I have ever attempted.

Blissful ignorance.  It's a state to be envied and pitied at the same time.

If it was in my power, I would absolutely go back and change the last year of my life for Stephen.  Any parent would.  But, I would not want to go back to blissful ignorance - unaware of true suffering - or trade the worthwhile struggle that produced the richness of depth I now know.  Depth of life experience.  Depth of searching.  Depth of understanding.  Depth of reverence.  Depth of empathy.  Depth of respect for my God.  Depth of humility.

When we suffer, we want to know why.  There must be a reason why such a loving God would allow such devastation into my life.  Could he not prevent it?  Could he not change it in a single breath?  Of course He could.  But- He did not.  

Questions.  So many questions.

What does it look like for God to work all things together for the good of those who love him that are called according to HIS PURPOSE?

Does this mean that if He receives more glory from my pain, He chooses his glory?

What does prayer actually accomplish?  Does it change things?  Is it meant just to change me?

Can we pray enough to move God's heart?  How does he decide what is worthy of changing His mind for?  

When we pray for God's will, can we still ask for what our hearts desire?  Or is it pointless?

These are just a few of the questions that plagued me during and following Stephen's brush with death. When prayer and how God works become a matter of life or death in your life - Sunday School answer just don't cut it anymore.  

When one of your best friends loses her husband to cancer with a 4 and 2 year old at home.  

When family friends lose their son to suicide because of medical oversight.

When it seems that friend after friend reaches out to you to let you know that their baby also is in need of open heart surgery.

When your mom has a brain tumor.

When your sister has had untamable and unrelenting diabetes since second grade.

When your cousin loses his bride a few short months after marriage.

When you're hard pressed to find a friend that has not had a miscarriage.

When one of your best friends loses her nephew to cancer at the tender age of 3.5.

This world is hard.  And those that have suffered long for answers.  Answers that will most likely never come.  The most helpful book I have read since we found out about Stephen's heart is "Holding On To Hope" by Nancy Guthrie.  In this book, Nancy write about how to suffer faithfully, with Job as her standard.  She offers the suggestion that instead of asking why something has happened - we ask, for what purpose?  

So what to do?  Go to the source.

Get to know the God who designed the things we don't understand.  I cannot understand suffering on these levels or the great mystery of prayer - but I can understand who God is because he lays it all out plaining in his book.  God did not design suffering, but he does allow it.  Let me find out about Him so I can understand how to cope with it.

Chase him.  Seek him out.  Hammer home his character traits in your heart until there is no room for doubt.  That is where I am now.  As I see more and more of who God is, my questions about the specific details of this life and my questions about mysteries I don't understand shrink.

He grows and I dwindle.  And ever so slowly, I loosen my grip on the facade I have of control.  I relax in His presence because His Word reminds me that he is worthy of my trust.  Blessings reign down - he is worthy.  Seemingly eternal night falls - he is worthy.  God's Sovereignty is terrifying to submit to because we must face the truth that we have no control.  Yet, God's Sovereignty is so comforting because we realize the truth that he has total control, and he is wholly good.  When we suffer - it does not change his character - but if we allow it to, it can change ours.  Submitting to God's sovereignty is a constant, conscious choice.  It is so hard.  But it is so freeing. 

Let the Owl Game Be Enough

Do you ever get to the end of the day and feel like a total failure of a parent?  Rhetorical question, obviously, because that's basically in the definition of parenthood.

Parent (n.): one who cares for a miniature human whom brings great joy and total devastation on a moment to moment basis resulting in great love and total failure at the end of most days.

Too negative?  I think not.  We love those tiny people with a fierceness that says I will kill anyone that so much as makes fun of how much they weigh as a baby or how they run at the playground.  But let's be honest.  They can reduce us to a puddle of doubt and confusion with a single tantrum or an "I don't want you, go away!"

However, I have discovered something in the my long stretch of 2.5 years of parenting.  At the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow and examine my conscience, my feelings about my success or failure as a mama is greatly influenced by how I spent my mental energy that day and less about how my children actually behaved.

On any given day, my oldest son, Luke, can be the sweetest most brilliant child God ever created.  Or… He can be a grabby gorilla, mess making, tantrum throwing, authority challenging, crazy kid.  Also known as a two-almost-three-year-old version of Sour Patch Kids.

Children will misbehave regardless of our parenting.  They are miniature sinners.  Our goal is to point them to Jesus in the hopes that they will fall in love with him and spend their lives serving him, emulating him, and loving him.  BUT we cannot control them or cure them of sin.

When I go to bed feeling like I failed at motherhood, it is not because of the behavior of my children.  Failure depends entirely on the decisions I made about how I spent my time that day, where my mind was, and the condition of my spirit as I fulfilled my responsibilities.

I feel worst when I have spent my day with a distracted mind.  Making lists of things that I need to get done, do better, or change.  Then allowing those things to occupy my thoughts.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone that clearly was thinking of other things?  What does it communicate?
1. You are not a priority.
2. I do not respect you.
3. Other things, not present, are more important that you right in front of me.

Need an example?  Playing Hoot Owl Hoot with Luke, instead of enjoying working with him to get all the owls back to the nest before the sun comes up, I am thinking about how I need to start that diet program in the next week so I can look the way I want to look at the Wheaton graduation next month.

Seriously?  Who the heck cares.  And believe me, he knows I'm not really with him.

Or how about this one… Stephen (13 months) is putting pieces of a puzzle in the right place for the first time and smiling because he is so proud of himself - except I missed it because I was too busy making this list:
1. Learn to use my essential oils.
2. Make Stephen's first year shutterfly book.
3. Finish painting the cabinets.
4. Start that James bible study.
5. Start a blog
Is there anything wrong with those things?  No.  Is there something wrong with allowing those self-imposed goals infiltrate my thoughts and distract me from the joys of the day and opportunities to SHARE the day with my kids, yes.  Most assuredly.

To the Point:
When my mind is so busy carrying things like essential oils, grocery lists, fitness goals, etc - it doesn't leave any space for me to BE with my kids or REST in the gift of today.  Goals are great, we should all have them.  But goals become stealers of joy if they create a spirit of discontentment.

So here is the challenge for me and for you:
Give our children full attention and consideration as they grow up before our eyes so that we can sleep in peace knowing that we have VALUED our children and RESPECTED them as tiny souls.  Our actions, attention, and intentionality have communicated: I love you.  I love spending time with you.  You are enough to capture my attention.

Glory in the moment.  Make goals that add value and purpose to the life of your family - but be sure those goals inspire positive motivation and not negative discontentment or distraction from the joys of today.  Eternal perspective says: invest in the souls of your children with your time, love, and attention. Because blogs, kitchen cabinets, the weight on the scale, and the grocery list look ridiculous in comparison.
#priorities

For where your treasure is, there your heart (and mind) will be also.  Matthew 6:21

**Let me be clear.  Obviously we must get things done and cannot constantly sit and gawk at the awesomeness of our offspring.  It is important that they learn to self entertain, and we certainly need to keep our respective ships afloat with tasks and chores.  But, in general, when we are spending time with our kids (or husbands, or friends, or strangers) we should be spending time with them in earnest.

To Glory In The Moment

Glory in the Moment.

To glory in a moment is to take in everything it has to offer - and cherish it.  Relish the moment.  Be present in the moment.  So. Present.

Glory in the Moment

Glory, as in heaven.  Eternity.  Eternity in every moment.  Every moment in light of Eternity.  The two cannot be separated.  If they are separated, the moment loses perspective.  Without eternal perspective, moments become mundane.

Moments matter.  Even the smallest ones.

Motherhood is hard.  Without eternal perspective, it can become a string of endless tasks, exhaustion, and failures.  I never really accomplish anything.  I can't win at motherhood.  No one measures my performance.  No report card.  No raises.  No measurable growth.  Finish the laundry, for about 10 seconds before something else is in the hamper… unload the dishwasher to make room for the already dirty dishes.  Diapers.  Need I say more?  Dinner…. sweet goodness, dinner.  Might as well be a curse word.  How hard can it be?  Plan meals… get the stuff from the store… make the stuff.  Repeat.  Why is it so hard?  Sleep… evasive sleep.  And the crying… Everyone in my house during the day has big feelings, and often times those feelings are expressed in tear form.  Just no.  Too much crying.  I never finish that list.  Ever.  Let's be honest, I'm lucky if I brush my teeth twice a day and shower every 3 days.

I digress.  Motherhood is hard.  And if we aren't careful, the hard can eclipse the MAGIC.  That's right, I said magic.  What's magic about it?  Tiny human souls are in our care.  They have been gifted to us.  Gifted to us to wipe and spank their butts - I mean shepherd their hearts.  Both are true.

Tiny human souls.  ETERNAL beings meet us first.  Humbling.  But, Jamison, what about the dishes and dinner and diapers and laundry and sweeping and hosting and baths and bills and oh my gosh I cannot build another tower or feel guilty about my children watching The Jungle Book one more time today - I mean this week?  Well, let me tell you about all those things.  They are the tiny pieces of sand that if you magnify enough in your mind will become boulders that crush your joy and distort your vision of the gift that is your life and the purpose to which you are called… and most importantly that reduce you to a shadow of who you are called to be as an individual soul - an image bearer of God himself - and as the caregiver in your home.

Do you know what matters? Eternity.  Jesus on the cross saving us from our sins that we might live FOREVER in his presence.  That's all.  That is the ONLY thing that matters.  And the only way anything else matters in this world is if it has eternal value.  Do you know what has eternal value?  Souls.  Tiny souls.  Friend souls.  Husband souls.  Stranger souls.  Celebrity souls.  (I just like celebrities.  I know not why.)

So here is what I'm getting at… in order to live this life in the richest possible way we MUST:

1. Be present in the moments that make up all of our days.  Be present as in: put down our phones, look people in the eye, give undivided attention, be INTENTIONAL with your time, and for the love of everything stop making lists of all the things we need to do or change that have NO eternal value or purpose at all.  Be in the moment with your kids, friends, husbands, strangers - yourself even.  The moment.  Be. In. It.   It changes everything.

2. Maintain kingdom perspective at all times.  How does whatever situation is going on, or irking you, or actually truly crushing your spirit and breaking your heart fit into the BIG picture of Jesus' story of redeeming all things to himself?

The only way we honor Jesus, is to never dwarf what he did in light of our temporary circumstance.  It should always be the reverse.  We look at our temporary circumstances in light of his sacrifice, grace, and love.

The only way we honor the souls around us, is to give our whole selves to them without petty distraction.

The only way we honor our own soul is to feed it, protect it, stretch it, and open it through intentional and thoughtful care.  What we watch, read, do, dwell on, hope for, dream of, give power to, etc.

The intention of this blog is to offer ideas and share experiences on how to be purposeful, intentional, and fierce about making this vapor of a life what we are all so desperately hoping it will be.  Meaningful.  Worthy.  Honoring.  Inspiring.  Joyful.  Deep.  Passionate.  Beautiful.  Complete.

We want to squeeze every last drop of purpose out of it.
Let's frickin' get after it.