1. To live is to experience suffering at some point.
2. Suffering shatters innocence and raises questions that demand answers.
3. It is only through suffering that I have truly seen my Savior and my God in full complexity.
4. Submission to Sovereignty is unequivocally the most important concept I have ever learned.
5. Submission to Sovereignty is unequivocally the most difficult practice I have ever attempted.
Blissful ignorance. It's a state to be envied and pitied at the same time.
If it was in my power, I would absolutely go back and change the last year of my life for Stephen. Any parent would. But, I would not want to go back to blissful ignorance - unaware of true suffering - or trade the worthwhile struggle that produced the richness of depth I now know. Depth of life experience. Depth of searching. Depth of understanding. Depth of reverence. Depth of empathy. Depth of respect for my God. Depth of humility.
When we suffer, we want to know why. There must be a reason why such a loving God would allow such devastation into my life. Could he not prevent it? Could he not change it in a single breath? Of course He could. But- He did not.
Questions. So many questions.
What does it look like for God to work all things together for the good of those who love him that are called according to HIS PURPOSE?
Does this mean that if He receives more glory from my pain, He chooses his glory?
What does prayer actually accomplish? Does it change things? Is it meant just to change me?
Can we pray enough to move God's heart? How does he decide what is worthy of changing His mind for?
When we pray for God's will, can we still ask for what our hearts desire? Or is it pointless?
These are just a few of the questions that plagued me during and following Stephen's brush with death. When prayer and how God works become a matter of life or death in your life - Sunday School answer just don't cut it anymore.
When one of your best friends loses her husband to cancer with a 4 and 2 year old at home.
When family friends lose their son to suicide because of medical oversight.
When it seems that friend after friend reaches out to you to let you know that their baby also is in need of open heart surgery.
When your mom has a brain tumor.
When your sister has had untamable and unrelenting diabetes since second grade.
When your cousin loses his bride a few short months after marriage.
When you're hard pressed to find a friend that has not had a miscarriage.
When one of your best friends loses her nephew to cancer at the tender age of 3.5.
This world is hard. And those that have suffered long for answers. Answers that will most likely never come. The most helpful book I have read since we found out about Stephen's heart is "Holding On To Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. In this book, Nancy write about how to suffer faithfully, with Job as her standard. She offers the suggestion that instead of asking why something has happened - we ask, for what purpose?
So what to do? Go to the source.
Get to know the God who designed the things we don't understand. I cannot understand suffering on these levels or the great mystery of prayer - but I can understand who God is because he lays it all out plaining in his book. God did not design suffering, but he does allow it. Let me find out about Him so I can understand how to cope with it.
Chase him. Seek him out. Hammer home his character traits in your heart until there is no room for doubt. That is where I am now. As I see more and more of who God is, my questions about the specific details of this life and my questions about mysteries I don't understand shrink.
He grows and I dwindle. And ever so slowly, I loosen my grip on the facade I have of control. I relax in His presence because His Word reminds me that he is worthy of my trust. Blessings reign down - he is worthy. Seemingly eternal night falls - he is worthy. God's Sovereignty is terrifying to submit to because we must face the truth that we have no control. Yet, God's Sovereignty is so comforting because we realize the truth that he has total control, and he is wholly good. When we suffer - it does not change his character - but if we allow it to, it can change ours. Submitting to God's sovereignty is a constant, conscious choice. It is so hard. But it is so freeing.
No comments:
Post a Comment